What a week

 

It's been quite a week. My wife has joined the church choir. She spends a lot of time practicing at home. When she starts singing I quickly run and sit outside where my neighbours can see me. I don't want them to think I'm hitting her.

To distract her, I took her to the restaurant last night. The manager said, "Do you mind waiting for a bit?" I relied, "No!"So he asked to take the drinks to table 9 and ask them what they'd like to eat.

Whilst I was serving, a man rushed in from the street and asked me, "Quick ... how tall is a penguin?" I replied, "About three feet!" He said, "Oh dear me ... I have run over a nun!"  

I had a few drinks too many with our meal. So on the way home my wife drove the car. She crashed it and told the policeman who arrived on the scene that the man she collided with was speaking on his cell-phone and was drinking a can of beer at the time. The policeman said that the man can do what he likes in his living room.

After all the paperwork and formalities the policeman suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart!

By the way, did I ever tell you that we named our two children War and Peace ... it's a long story!

I was really embarrassed the other day. My wife nearly caught me playing with my son's train set. So I quickly threw the bed sheet all over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Do you know the quickest way to turn a sofa into a bed? Forget your wife's birthday. I did so last week and she said she'll make sure I never forget it again.

Stop Monkeing Around

 

A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.'

GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

GOD replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

==================

 A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up and searched with him.  

==================  

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his night stand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

===================

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

===================

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “John, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

John replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

====================  

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

==================== 

I vividly remember that I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992; my dad used to put me in a tyre and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear

==================== 

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?”

“I’m at Princess Grace General Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”

“Cambridge.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Dr James Hanover-Smythe.”

My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

==================== 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

 

 

At the doctor's

 

I went to see Doctor Ivor Carbuncle for my normal check-up to see if my sense of humour is still intact. He asked me how I was, I replied, "that's what I'm here for - for you to find out!"

"Are you generally in a good mood?" he asked. "Not really," I replied, "sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep and go downstairs and make myself some coffee!"

"What are the symptoms?" he asked.

I said they are little yellow cartoon characters on TV, there's Homer and Bart and Lisa and ...

"How is your libido?" he interrupted.

I said, "Oh I gave up that Italian car a long time ago; I now have a Toyota!"

He continued writing and accidentally dropped his pen. I picked it up for him and found another pen under his desk. I gave it to him and asked is this your pen? He scribbled with it and said, "Oh yes ... it surely is my pen!"

"How can you be so sure?" I asked. He replied, "It's my handwriting!"

He then asked, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

I said, "Only if I'm on a bridge or on a boat! I'm afraid I'd fall in!" 

He then suggested he conducts an allergy test. He explained that some people are intolerant to milk; lactose intolerant, others are allergic to dust, pet hairs, feathers and so on. He asked me to roll up my sleeves. I thought he was challenging me to arm wrestling. He said he wasn't.

He put various drops of liquids on my arm and wrote beside them what they were - milk, pet hair, feathers and so on; and we waited for a few minutes to see if there was a reaction to any of them.

Instantly, all of them turned bright red as if inflamed. Turned out I was allergic to the ink in his pen.

He then gave me a psychological test first showing me a lot of ink blots and asked me what I see. I told him I see a messy careless person who cannot write neatly in a book without spilling ink everywhere.

He then said, "I'll say a few words and you tell me what first comes to your mind ...

"Honesty ..."

"Is a rare quality these days." I said.

"Truth ..."

"What is truth? People can't handle the truth these days!"

"Happiness ..."

"Happiness is getting home at night and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap!"

"Life ..."

"Life is a series of disappointments punctuated by the occasional failure." 

"Peace ..."

"I'd give you a piece of my mind on this pointless exercise if I could afford it."

He put all the data on the computer and we waited for ten minutes. It was an old computer.

Turned out I am a people intolerant curmudgeon.

I did not have my dictionary with me, so I was at a loss for words to answer him. 

Can it really be? Am I as the computer said? What do you think? Is it true?

Good works

 

"My brothers and sisters, what good is it for people to say that they have faith if their actions do not prove it? Can that faith save them? Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don't have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them, “God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!” — if you don't give them the necessities of life? So it is with faith: if it is alone and includes no actions, then it is dead." James 2:14-17.  

Let's get one common misconception cleared. Doing good works will NOT get you into Heaven.

God does not demand good works and good deeds in order to get into Heaven. He does not demand that we give more in the collection plate on Sundays, or continuous repetitive prayers like the Rosary, or lighting candles beside statues and laying flowers. He is not diminished in any sense if we do not do these things. He is not found wanting or weakened if we withhold these good deeds. 

But we should do them all the same. We do good deeds to honour God, to show Him respect and love, and because He commanded us to love one another.

We don't do good deeds as a down-payment to entering Heaven. God cannot be bought.

We don't do good deeds in exchange for favours and answers to our prayers. God does not bargain with us.

We do good deeds because He asked us to.

When Jesus walked this earth He performed many miracles. Every miracles He performed was for the benefit of someone else. It was not to show off His power, omnipotence or superiority. It was so that God, His Father and ours, is glorified. 

And God raised Him from the dead so that Jesus is glorified and to prove He is the Son of God.

That's what the miracles were about.

Let our good deeds be our own, small, miracles to one another. Just as He commanded.

The light of the world

 

Once again, Jesus spoke to the people and said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus often referred to Himself as the light of the world. The world (our souls) was in darkness because of our sins and He came to light the way back to God.

But in Matthew 5:14-16 He said, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

What does He mean about this? How can He be the light of the world and us, you and me, also be the light of the world?

Let's consider it this way: He is the Son of God, He was sent to earth to light the world and bring it forth from darkness. His light originates from God. It is His light that we see to guide us to eternity.

We reflect His light onto the world. We do not have our own light; we merely reflect His light.

He is the sun shining His light and bringing life to the world. We are the moon which reflects the sun's brightness.

How do we reflect Christ's light in the world?

By the way we live, the way we speak and behave and act towards others. We can read in the Bible how Jesus behaved when He met people; the sick and the lame, the blind, the deaf, the mute and those possessed with demons and with many diseases and illness. He treated them all with kindness, love, caring and compassion.

Do we really reflect those qualities with everyone we meet? Or do we fall short of what He expects of us? 

Do people recognise us as Christians - followers of Christ in every meaning of the word and not just paying lip service to it?

Let us start a new trend. Every morning let us pray to God that He sends us someone in our life whom we can help. He will not let us down. He will answer this prayer.

Let us be Christ to someone.

The shed

 

When I was a child we lived by the river. We had a large house with a big garden and at the end of the garden ran the river.

Right at the end of the garden there was an old shed, or shack, just by the edge of the river. It was old and dilapidated. It contained some tools, a small ladder, a lawnmower that had not been used for ages and ... horror of horrors ... many spiders. I'd been in the shed once with my dad to get a spanner or something and watched him clear the cobwebs before getting in.

I hated that shed, or more precisely, the spiders it contained. What if they escaped and, like Peter Parker, they bit me? I really did not fancy being Spider-Man, and I hate heights. I get vertigo when I put my shoes on. (Must buy some Odour-Eaters).    

One day, after a lot of rain, the river was swollen and it almost broke its banks. I saw an opportunity to get even with the spiders. The shack was old and all its wood was rotten or rotting away. I picked up an old tree branch and used it to lever the shack off its base and pushed it into the river. 

I waved the spiders goodbye as the shed floated down the river. 

That very afternoon dad knew that the shed was no more and, of course, he rightly suspected me.

"Someone pushed the shed into the river," he said, "was it you?"

I decided to come clean and confess. Remembering George Washington I said, "Yes it was me, Dad. I tell the truth. And also, when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree he did not get into trouble because he told the truth!"  

Dad replied, "True ... but George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time!" 

To sleep, perchance to dream

 

The facts about sleep

12% of people dream entirely in black and white

Before colour television was introduced, only 15% of people dreamt in colour. Older people dream in black and white more often than younger people. I dream in colour, in 3D and in stereo surround sound. 

Two thirds of a cat’s life is spent asleep

This will come as no surprise to most cat owners. Every sofa is a sofa bed to them. Otherwise found on your favourite seat or computer keyboard. That's why cats have nine lives.

A giraffe only needs 1.9 hours of sleep a day, whereas a brown bat needs 19.9 hours a day.

It takes a long time for the sleep to travel from the giraffe's head/brain to the rest of its body. The bat sleeps upside down so the sleep reaches its brain quicker. But it is problematic when it needs to go to the toilet.

Humans spend 1/3 of their life sleeping

This obviously differs depending on the age of the human, but on average it’s around a third, which is quite a lot when you think about it. I hate it when I wake up and find I've missed the turning off the motorway.

The record for the longest period without sleep is 11 days

This was set by a Californian student named Randy Gardner in 1964. This is definitely not recommended, however, as Randy experienced extreme sleep deprivation and others have died staying awake for too long. 

Dysania is the state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning

We’ve all no doubt found it tricky getting out of bed before, but those suffering from Dysania find it particularly difficult. It’s most likely to be a form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

It’s thought that up to 15% of the population are sleepwalkers.

This is according to the National Sleep Foundation. It’s also a myth that you shouldn’t wake someone who is sleepwalking.

Within 5 minutes of waking up, 50% of your dream is forgotten

After an additional 5 minutes, 90% of recollection is gone. Sigmund Freud believed this was because dreams represent our repressed thoughts and so our brain wants to get rid of them quickly. However, it’s much more likely due to our brains simply being used much more as soon as we’re awake and so we forget much of what we’ve dreamed about. (It depends on the dream Freud ... my dreams can be quite memorable you know!!!)

Sleep experts have discovered a direct link between people’s favourite sleeping positions and their personalities

This is according to Professor Idzikowski, suggesting that those who sleep in the foetal position “may appear tough but are actually sensitive souls right to their core". I sleep hanging upside down from a hammock. What does that say about me?

Ideally, falling asleep at night should take you 10-15 minutes

If it takes you less than five minutes, chances are, you’re sleep deprived. ZZZZZ .... ZZZZZ .....

Humans are the only mammals that willingly delay sleep.

How nice it must be to just go to sleep whenever and wherever you are! I once dreamt I was asleep at a business meeting. When I woke up ... I was!

Sleeping on your front can aid digestion

Hands should apparently be positioned above the pillow so you’re in a ‘freefall’ position, whilst laying on your left side can apparently help reduce heartburn. Take care ... sleeping on your front can make you break wind. 

The whisperer

 

There was an old man who lived on a farm. He noticed that when he hums or whistles a tune softly the snails would slide along on their way to do what they were doing. He believed he influenced their peaceful behaviour.

So he sat by the river and tried the same procedure with the fish. He hummed a tune, then whistled, and the fish just swam to and fro oblivious of his presence. He was pleased with himself and thought he'd try again.

He walked towards the apiary, and sat by the bee hives. He watched the bees fly backwards and forwards from the hives towards the fields beyond and then come back again. He hummed and whistled softly and they got on with their busy work.

He then hummed and whistled to the sheep in the fields; and they too did what sheep usually do in fields and ignored him. 

He then sat under a tree and hummed to the birds above. They seemed to respond totally ignoring his presence.

He was pleased with himself. He reckoned he was an animal whisperer. He told everyone about it. But people either humoured him politely or did not seem to respond in any way.

One day the circus came to town. What an opportunity for him to prove his point. 

He wanted to be a lion whisperer.

An ambition he achieved that very night seconds before he died.  

MORAL OF THIS STORY: If you have a talent don't be cocky about it.  

A box for posteriority

 

Have you ever considered burying a box or a casket with items from today's world for a future generation to discover?

What would you put in this box? Photos of you and your family? Items of clothing? Jewellery or watches, bracelets and ear-rings? Would they know what an ear-ring is and where to wear it? 

How about books? Which books would you put in the casket? Shakespeare? Chaucer? Or something more modern, (like my books)? 

And what about food so that future generations may learn about our diets? Rice, corn, lentils, other grains? Your favourite ice cream perhaps?  

How would you put music in the box? Pointless putting music score or sheet music. Future generations may not know what all the scribbles mean. They stand a better chance understanding Chaucer in its original language. Also, no point in leaving CDs, DVDs and blue ray discs. They may not have the right equipment to play it on. As it is, technology is changing every few weeks and I have to up-date software and hardware on my computer. So what chance will a future finder be able to play the CDs you left for him to find?

If you leave any items of equipment don't forget to leave the instruction manual. I read that a family buried a microwave oven without the instructions. A thousand years later another family found the box and gathered around the oven wondering why there was nothing good on TV.  

The Barber of Shaville

I usually cut my own hair. I stand in front of a mirror and with a pair of scissors ... snip ... snip ... all done. Front ... back ... sides ... and I look like the hedge in our garden. 

I dislike going to the barbers or hairdressers. I hate people touching me. But I was forced to go to look presentable for a wedding. It would have been easier and cheaper to turn down the invitation but I was over-ruled! 

 

He sat me there and leant me back in the chair. He put an over sized napkin round my neck as if I'm a baby. Touched my hair and made inane and insulting comments like, "who cut your hair the last time?"

He then asked, "How would you like your hair cut?"

 

I said I wanted a Tony Curtis hairstyle. He took his electric machine and shaved my head totally bald. I was livid. Really mad. "You've shaved me totally bald," I cried, "do you even know who Tony Curtis is?" 

"Indeed I do," he replied, "I saw him in The King And I fifteen times."

It took me a few weeks for my hair to grow back. Guess what? Another wedding invitation. 

I was forced to go to another hairdresser. He asked me how I’d like my hair cut. I looked at him and said, “Like yours!”

He shaved my head totally bald. I was livid again. I said, “that’s not like yours!”

He replied, “Yes it is, but mine has grown again now!”

A few more weeks later and you guessed it. Yet another wedding invitation. My wife insisted I go for another haircut.

I went to yet another hairdresser. He asked me how I’d like my hair cut. He had a photo of Gary Cooper. I pointed at the photo and said, “like him!”

He shaved my head totally bald. I was really livid, more than before. I said, “That’s not what Gary Cooper looks like!”

He replied, “He would if he came here for a haircut! That's all I know how to do.”

I think people should stop getting married.

Oh God ...

 

Our daily dealings with God are a tough proposition in today's modern world. 

We never really know what He wants of us because He does not speak plainly as in the Old Testament; and consequently we do not always know what to do. 

He is no longer interested in burnt offerings like in the Old Testament. Perhaps He's become environmentally friendly and does not want us polluting the atmosphere. 

We cannot offer more prayers, the extra Rosary, lighting candles or other promises. He does not negotiate or make bargains. 

We cannot promise anything in return for His favours. 

We cannot say we'll be extra nice to someone obnoxious whom we do not like. He'd expect us to be nice regardless of the potential rewards.

How can we connect with God in prayer? 

We pray, we ask, we beg even; but often nothing happens. Silence. No answer. No response. 

Maybe He is saying "Yes", maybe He is saying "No", or "Not yet". 

We sometimes don't know where we are with God. Whether He will answer our prayers or He has more pressing matters from someone else's pleas. 

It would do us good to remember that God does not owe us an answer. He is not obligated to respond to our prayers or questions. 

He hears and listens to them, and He will deal with them in His time and in His way.

Maybe we should just trust Him that He knows what He is doing and that He has our best interest at heart. 

And maybe we should thank Him every now and then for what He has done for us and will continue to do.

Talents? What talents?

 

"... ... ... a man, going on a journey, summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them; to one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 

... ... ... After a long time the master of those slaves came and settled accounts with them ... ... ... Then the one who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five more talents, ... ... ... And the one with the two talents also came forward, saying, ' see, I have made two more talents.' ... ... ... Then the one who had received the one talent also came forward, saying, 'I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' " (Matthew 25:14-30).

I am sure you know the story well. A rich man gives three sums of money to his slaves, and when he returns from his travels he discovers that two have increased the sum given to them, whereas the other has just buried his coin (talent) and returned it intact with no interest.

So what is Jesus saying here? It is OK to make money, as much as you possibly can according to your capabilities? Don't just sit on what you have and not make your money work?

God is not against people being rich. There is nothing wrong with being rich as long as we achieve it honestly and without cheating or stealing. 

In another parable, (the rich man and poor Lazarus at his gate - Luke 16:19–31), Jesus does not condemn being rich, as many people have misunderstood. Jesus condemns the rich man for not even noticing the poor man at his doorstep.

So what is Jesus teaching in the parable of the slaves and the talents given them?

Could He perhaps be talking about something more than just material riches?

Is He maybe reminding us that there will always be someone worse off than us? Someone who is poor in material things, someone poor in spirit, poor in health, poor in education or even poor in Faith. This may be miss-interpreting Him perhaps but still worth considering.

We all have a responsibility towards those in poverty in one way or another. No matter how their poverty manifests itself.

We should always readily recognize our blessings and share them with those less well off than us.

If we are fortunate to be financially rich, we should give to those who have not.

If we are in good health, we should help those who are sick. Visit them at home or in hospital, and give a hand when needed.

If we are clever or intelligent we should be more tolerant towards those not as bright as us and help educate them where we can.

And if our Faith is strong, we should help and pray for those who falter and fail in their walk with the Lord.

We’ve all been given some talent or other and we should use them for the benefit of others.

Perhaps one way of doing so is by proclaiming our Faith in God. Be God's ambassadors and representatives on earth. We may not all be good at standing at street corners, or knocking at doors, or writing books or blogs. But by just living the Christian life we are using our God given talents for His glory. 

Another way of using our talents is to be active in our church or community. The church always needs volunteers for many jobs. Playing music or singing in the choir perhaps. Doing some sort of administration or secretarial work. Editing and printing the newsletter. Cleaning the church. Ordering supplies. Visiting the sick and the elderly, or helping run a soup kitchen for the down and out. And so on.

We have a responsibility to use our talents to the best of our abilities. And with this responsibility comes a greater and more onerous one. That is to answer to Him when He asks us, “And what have you done with the riches I gave you?”